purpose with an open end

When it’s up to me I don’t really think about why I do the things I do and why I don’t do it any other way that might be more logical. I don’t need to have a reason to do something, only a desire to do it.

Mostly I get very excited when I start doing something out of the blue, where will it take me? It’s a sort of happiness that makes my brain fizz and wonder of into a worlds, ways and stories. My mind gets flipped inside out into a parallel world where everything is possible and no explanation has to be given.

This afternoon for example… I started to sort the stuff I’ve been collecting during the past three weeks or so. Egg boxes together with egg boxes, empty jars with empty jars, tetra packs with tetra packs, vitamin tablet tubes next to vitamin tablet tubes, plastic kiwi trays stacked together with plastic kiwi trays.

After cleaning and ordering them into mice piles I took some out and started cutting them into any random shape my scissor told me to. Two hours later I stopped, put the pieces into boxes and placed the boxes next to the old school bench in my room and smiled. Made a coffee and sank into the kitchen sofa where I started at the knives on the wall whilst drinking my coffee. Kitchens are great.

Since I’ve been living in this lovely house the part of the kitchen where I usually save my things became a mix of empty and full packaging. I leave empty and full ones side to side. On purpose. This sometimes means that I think I still have something but it actually ran out the month before. Exciting stuff. Thinking of swapping packaging, maybe put muesli into a pasta bag or eggs into yoghurt cups.

Then I opened a word document and started writing. I love not knowing how this ends.

texts: may 2009- januari 2010

+4477 Ok have fun. Have made appointment for 14:30 at Charles st. Text you tm.X 30.Mai 2007 20:37:45 +4478 Oh, I didn’t notice. It’s so lovely, thank you so muchly. Had a great time saturday. Sneaking into clwb, stealing beer. Let me know when You’re out and about.x 18.Feb 2008 20:51:08 +4478 Drunken cake baking it is then! Can I meet you somewhere near uni 9ish? 18.Feb 2008 22:32:50 +4478 I’m sure it means something to somebody somewhere. If I’m not crushed by a giant rock in the mean time I’ll see you there. Excellent. 18.Feb 2008 22:50:12 +4479 Am good, cheers! It’s Raynaud’s disease I think. Yrs, dr duffy x 2.Marz 2008 12:26:22 +4478 (Textteillefehlen)ou’re not grumpy for the trip tomorrow. X 4.Marz 2008 21:22:08 +44781 Hey hey oodie oodie pie. Beat me to it, I was half way through texting! Thanks for my fancy egg. You rock! Suck a shame to eat it but I’n gonna anyway. Work was fine. Be sure t get to bed early now. Xx 18.Marz 2008 19:08:53 +4478 Listen up you pathetic bunch of pencil necked geeks. Birthday Friday. Going to the wrestling (7:15pm canton community hall, behind tescos on cowbridge rd east) bring booze. Ladies meet round the back for some andy kaufman style action. Be there or be []. Xx 26.Marz 2008 13:13:58 +4478 Hey wrestle buddy. That’s amazing news, gonna be fabelhart. But who’s boogers am I gonna suck?!? Maybe you can post them over. When are you off? I was so tired today. I fell asleep against my computer about five times. Hope you fared slightly better and didn’t knock the ant tank over some kiddies. X 1.Apr.2008 21:25:54 +4478 I had lunch at eleven. I have a break at two thirty. I will come and see you then. 2.Apr.2008 12:29:02 +4478 zzz…zzz…xxx…xxx…zzz…oops. sleep texting again. Your carriage awaits. X 4.Apr.2008 05:02:49 +4478 Hey sweetietorte. Hope you are enjoying your first day in Deutschland, and haven’t insulted any nice german people. I’m out shopping for pens, rubbers and Tupperware. I’m super excited.x 5.Apr.2008 13:24:10 +4917 Hallo Judith, ich fand dich gestern sehr sympatisch. also wenn du das zimmer in neukölln möchtest- gern! würd mich freuen. Claudia 20.Juni 2008 08:08:35 +4478 Hey hey funny face. Just got back home. Can’t believe I’ve got to tidy this place up. Some maid You turned out to be! Hope You have a lovely trip back. And are able to steal a snack trolley. Kiss kiss. 8. Juli 2008 15:00:49 +4478 (Textteilefehlen)eirdness. I was pretty lost, and needed that in my life. It’s going to be mega mega mega dull not having you around. But really should be working anyway…Bloody art. Good times kid. X:* 8 Juli 2008 15:59:34 +4917 Who?meinst du wo oder wer?wir sind roman und katha aus berlin und ich würde vorslagen,wir treffen uns nach björk an der linken leinwand wenn man auf die bühne schaut.ich habe einen hut auf und eine rote jacke an..Bis gleich 20.Juli 2008 22:57:29 +49177 Hey!apologise?for being drunk?:)no way.I had a great time and i’e really like to join you but i’ll be working till night today.maybe next week?or plans f(Textteilefehlen) 24.Juli 2008 16:01:18 +4478 It only hurts when i breathe. When You were playing roulette with a drunk triangle, that was a dream. When i was covered in warts and tried to pull the sun out of the sky and hurt my hand, that was reality. I’d like to crawl into a sleeping bag and free associate with You.x 21. Aug.2008 14:06:10 +49177 Hey u.gisa is home now.lausitzer xx it is.ring at zieger.tripod is in front of my roomdoor. 9.Sept.2008 20:13:48 +3165 Judith, wil je mij jou of Bauke zijn mailadres sturen naar r.deklein.bar@xx.nl Dan kunnen we foto’s ect uitwisselen. X René 28.Sept.2008 13:59:08 +4076 Komm in die Wuhlischstr.xx und klingel bei fuchs. Sontag um 2, yippieyayeah!10.Okt.2008 19:35:13 +3164 Dag judith,ja ben veel onderweg.maar jij ook begreep ikmaar bel me als je in de buurt van budapest bent.goede reis johan 22.Okt.2008 18:05:54 +3620 Ok I will work tomorrow but Andrea can meet you 25 Okt.2008 09:20:13 +36205714990 Hi.sory i got your email just now.my addres is Koztelek u. x. You can come here by the busz. Nr.14 or it’s 10min. Walk from the centre.Hope u’ll find us.Kriszta 28 Okt.2008 20:53:53 +3630 Of course!let s meet at 18h at my place on klauzal ter 8.bip me when you re in front of the door.see you! 2.Nov.2008 17:26:38 +4478 Hey lovely. Your blog makes it sound magical. Can’t wait to see you. Editing again tonight…Had a big shave today. X 6.Nov.2008 17:49:54 +4478 Hi can you go online. I will be online in ten minutes. Mat 14.Nov. 2008 00:31:41 +4478 Caroline’s gonna come down glenroy for about 6. Dinner’s on for tonight. You scared? X 21. Nov.2008 12:23:56 +4917 Hey bigoodie is back!welcome!meis fine and busy with the diploma.lets fix Friday night for diner and drinks an talks and maybe we should ask Lindsey c (Textteilefehlen) 24. Nov.2008 22:25:18 +4917 Haha.i know.and its not like I do have lots of stuff for my family but even the small things have to be done…looking forward seeing you tomorrow! You b(Textteilefehlen)22.Dez.2008 17:26:31 +4478 Hey sweetness. Out in weatherspoons. Just wanted to wish you well on the next leg of your adventure. Hope this gets to You. X 18.Jan.2009 20:45:19 +3165 Heerlijk om je weer gezien te hebben. Ik vindt je een geweldige meid met veel energie en z’n positieve uitstraling. Je bent net Bauke  gruss Rene 19.Sept.2009 20:47:03 +4917 Boppstraße.nummer 5. aber du musst mich anrufen da es keine klingel gibt. 11.Okt.2009 15:00:53 +4917 Heyho.konzert war wunderbar, muss dir die musik mal geben...wir werden sehen ob das die woche noch klappt, aber hey, weinachten ist ja nicht das endede(Textteilefehlen) 13.Dez.2009 15:51:06 +4915 Thanks Judith! Enjoy your evening and let’s catch up soon xo 24.Dez.200920:10:53 +3162 Gelukkig nieuw jaar!1.Jan.2010 01:43:09 +4917 Huhu u and yourself..ick wunsch dir ebenfalls ein tolles jahr. Bunt und farbig und schön und laut und leise, mit arbeit und freizeit glück und hoffnung (Textteilefehlen) 2.Jan.2010 18:18:58 +4917 liebe judith meldest du dich bei mir? Danke susanne aus dem kinderladen 12.Jan. 2010 17:00:13 +4915 Hallo,Judith!here Ruuta,its my new German number!I’ guess,you are busy with your kids-just wanted to tell that we wrote the project for QuartiersManagement, I told you about-wanted to ask if you wuld have some time to check it out? (we wanted to go to QM tomorrow to show it)!13.Jan.2010 14:08:42

Stand up for your light!

Finally have the time to write again. No, it is nothing like ‘making time’, it’s ‘finding time‘. The last two months I have moved three times; from Romania to Berlin -into my old WG- then one month to a temporary room and now finally settling down in my new room in a fabulous house, without any exploration date.

Spend the entire last week on a ladder or on my knees, covered in white paint or wondering around in DIY heaven OBI. This lovely shop, almost as amazing as Liddl, was part of my well thought out strategy: LEAVE THE HOUSE AND BRUSH YOUR TEETH!

Every time I went over I made myself brush my teeth -hoping not to scare away the paint, brushes and/or tools I was about to get. On top of this I always ‘accidentally’ forgot something to make sure I had to leave the house the day after. “One, two, three, four…no three sheets of sandpaper will do for today”, I repeatedly said out loud.
Not sure if my picture appeared behind the main-desk yet: “Dangerous and should be taken to closed facility immediately, do not feed!” But, maybe they just ignored me…otherwise I have a good defence: Almost everybody has these funky earphone-phone-clips –ore whatever they are called. I reckon that most of them are schizo anyway and just use them to cover it up. Anyway, let them. I don’t see the problem, you? No, I don’t.

My room. my room, my room is great. Empty and wonderful. Have a cloths rail and a mattress. That’s it. The house is massif, we even have table football and there is a lovely little church over the road. Home is on the Corner of Richardsplatz, but don’t really want to explain more than that neighbourhood used to be a village, still is. We live opposite a blacksmith. Maybe more next time. Maybe not.

At the moment -time of writing- I’m on the train to Utrecht for a sort of early Christmas surprise trip for my mum and dad …Surprise! The sun is out and the 72 year old lady next to me just told me about her Gran Canaria trip. After this her family came up: She had 6 grandchildren, 4 boys and 2 girls, and a very special one. “Special is good”, I said. She smiled and her white hair glistered in the sun. When I offered her one of my tangerines she turned towards me, straightened her back and said out load: “Did you bring those yourself?” It sounded like one of those singing exercise in which every letter needs to be pitched one tone higher. “Aber natürlich..” It was a 6 hour long journey and I was not buying the expensive stuff from the restaurant.

As long as I can remember I’ve made my own lunch package. Everywhere I go I take my bright red Tupperware box with me, filled with yummieness. This loyal companion has been in the family since the Tupperware parties invaded Holland and she...it's a lady... survived many battles against plastic bags and cafeteria food. She does have some knife wounds. To not go overboard I skipped the fact I also backed the bread the night before. This made me wonder, am I old fashioned?

Yesterday afternoon I went to see the lill kids of the hood with their St. Martin's Day lanterns. The parade started in front of the Curch and I wish I had time to make one myself. Unfortunately I was over my head op up Panfu translation work: a new quest about a cursed Diamond, a mummy that’s falling apart and a pirate who lost his parrot. But can’t say more, TOP SECRET!

So, all was happy…till my housemates told me something extremely disturbing and horribly wrong: Most lanterns have electric lights, the real candles have been replaced!!
Where was I when this happened?! Who asked my approval?!! Outrageous! Explanation was that is was saver….SAVER! Yeah sure… much saver to NOT teach our children to handle fire. Right! “This is fire, it can be dangerous... but I’m not going to teach you how to handle it!? By the way, when was the last St. Martin's parade disaster??? Aaa, I see…better let them play with toy guns so they can grow up and fight in some stupid war for the sake of….I forgot.

Electric fucking light! For fuck sake! I’m not sure if I’m old fashioned, better call it slight traditional. You shouldn’t mess with these kind of traditions; the lovely ones that only bring happiness and joy. The candle in the lantern should represents light and warmth. Although I’m not a very traditional Christian, I love the gesture of caring for and passing on the light: A little flame that can be blown out by a slight breeze and need to be handled with care. Should we not learn those kiddos how to be careful, to take care of their lantern...and each other. Not everything can be fixed with technology.

Where is this going, are the candles is the Church going to be next? Will there be energy saving light bulbs switched on instead of candles lit during the x-mass mass? Ten years from now? Maybe five? All those candles can be dangerous....and then there was light, click, switch, plop!
Would you be able to donate a let lamp to remember the death? No more candle wax but special sockets and extension lead options at every bench. "I have a Mary-membership, my lead goes as far as the altar." .....parents have to remind their children not only to bring the bible.. but also the bulb.

Please lill candle, don’t let it get to you! Stand up for your light!

Play with your food

Tomato Talk from oodie on Vimeo.

The aim of playing with your food is only the playing itself and nothing else. Try it before you grow up! You can always go back to "normal life" so take the risk of getting lost in your own imagination.

It's fun, trust me. Enjoy!

The war is over.

Last week I saw myself, not in the mirror but in theatre. I applied for an improvisation theatre training in Serbia and got accepted, not sure why they let a Dutch girl represent Romania, but I’m positive that they didn’t have the slightest idea what they were getting themselves into. It was a seven days training in the small village of Kovačica, about an hour away from Belgrade. Travelled by train from Bucharest to Belgrade, takes 12 hours, and got this travel goody bag; slippers, a little towel, soap and one of those horribly smelling dis invective tissues.
The theme of the training was about how to use improvisation theatre to prevent unemployment. Interesting…. that’s also what I thought....

As entering and leaving a place or group had became a well oiled routine in my life, I thought I knew what to expect. Always on the safety hook I entered the group. I was still busy with thinking about the projects I needed to finish back in Bucharest and taking care of my Pandas, the fuckers. I wasn’t really there till I was put in the spot of no return...

During one exercise we needed to play with changing of status, I wanted to play it save and got on stage with in my head the role of a neutral character... but the an other actors decided I was the bad boyfriend with a very high status. Ehhh.... But within a split second I completely went for it, opened my draw of memories of asshole boyfriends and copied their behaviour without a single thought. When we changed status my 'stage girlfriend' showed me that she could do without me and I had to except it. It was great improvisation, and even more important: I left all my bad experiences in it. I sort of said goodbye to my negative feelings I had with men. My trainer did wonder if I hate men, hahaha..NO!

From that moment on I discovered the power of improvisation, the things you can put on stage from your own experience without other people knowing it. The group was very safe and friendly and -quite important- they didn’t know me. Find it easier to be open and perform for and with strangers. One of the rules of impro is: Dare to take a risk…maybe it's my time to take a risks. You might think I already do, but sorry... you’re wrong! Yeah… I move around and change hairstyle, job and county before I can properly remember my address, but it’s time for me to take another kind of risk. The risk of choosing; my EVS time in Romania is almost finished, what will I do? What does my heart say…settle down? Which direction to go into? Country, project…life? I need and will choose. Soon.

Something else…but not really. This training also made realize and decided I have to take the risk of loving. We did an exercise in which we needed to send love to someone on the other side of the room without speaking…It surprised me how much love I could give, how much I trapped inside and how difficult I could unleash it. Finally I did it, and it was great! Obviously shits scared it’s unwanted and will end up hurting me I decided that I’m also going to give it a chance in real life, not the least the love for myself.

The group we worked in was a very multicultural group; Serbians, Bosnians, Macedonians, Polish, Swedish, Albanians, Italians, Portuguese. It was sort of magical because it felt like we lived in our own temporary county. The hotel we stayed was amazing: bungalows with pool, gym and a great restaurant. Life is hard!

I’d never been to any former Yugoslavian country and the image of war was still very present in my mind, had no idea what to expect. The media put this image in my head about what happened, but who decides what's true? It’s funny to realize that I’m still ignorant. Of course the war left its traces behind, but things changed. After the Yugoslavia tribunal the Balkans left a big question mark in my head….which countries are there now? How are they being ruled? Are the ‘bad guys’ gone? Is it safe? To be honest didn’t find the answers back then and just put my questions in the box of “Things I want to find out, but not right now”. This was a long time ago, but the horrible images of back then stayed in my head. I must be true, on my journey to Serbia the war crimes and ethnic conflicts of back then wondered around in my mind. Actually no better place to have an intercultural training. We exchanges a lot of stories and feelings over diners en drinks, so different but although so similar..

Also visited the museum of Naive art in Kovačica, besides our home for a week the birthplace of Zuzana Chalupová…. my new idol and inspiration. She shows that you don’t have to have to be trained in an academy or other traditional manner to create great work. Her devotion and childlike images made me smile and opened my eyes in accepting I don’t have to go the usual route to create wonderful things. I can do it too! I am doing it, but now dare to say it.

That brings me back to the aim of the training, confidence is the most important skill young people should develop. Theatre -and especially improvisation, that can be done by anyone- helps to develop this sense of belief in your own skills and therefore is an inspiration to be active in finding your path, your work and your way of living. It worked for me, and I can't wait to inspire others. Next chapter soon.

Don't forget to play with your food.

Love, Judith

Who's that girl...

And what is she actually doing... besides eating a tomato?

I realize that for the past few months I actually haven’t described what it is I’m actually doing here.

Yeah, you probably know I live in Bucharest and am part of this European Voluntary scheme....

but what does that tell you? Not much.

Because I haven’t updated my blog for quite some time, and not everybody has been following me like an Elvis hawk, some question marks will appear. Maybe I can clear things up. I will try at least.

So, at the moment I just found out my next meeting is going to be late and I made myself comfortable at Piatia Unirii on a bench next to the fountain. I was supposed to meet this lady at KFC, best meeting point after Pillars, but she was held up at the dentist. I bought myself a big bottle of ice tea and started to make a list of the things I have done last week.

This is not that simple task, trust me please. It's ended up being a quite a random list of things that have all in common being passionate and having loads of fun.... of course. It needs to fits into the way I want to live, but I wont try to explain which way that is. A few things that occurred; Lorena, a short term volunteer from Spain, and I locked ourselves in for most of the weekend making promo stop-motion animations for the next Art-Fusion festival. It was great. Not all are finished...yet.

check: vimeo.com/5453367

I also tried to finish off my Forum Theatre retrospective but got lost somewhere in the middle. Focus!

Valters -my great and at the moment only house mate/ fellow EVS- and I started our research about how people see Bucharest. It became clear, after a couple of months of living here, that the contrast between people that love and hate his city is very big. This intrigued us, as you probably noticed in some of my previous stories. Valters had the idea to incorporate creative writing into it and we got in contact with another small NGO, Art-Perspective, that represents Loesje Romania. Of course you know Loesje…www.loesje.org

On our request they ran a creative writing workshop last Sunday which we analysed and really want to discuss. That’s why I’m waiting; the KFC lady is from Art-perspective. Will meet Valters in front of the mutated chicken center.

Tonight we will hopefully manage to get some rough drafts for the posters that we want to use in our documentary. We basically want to use the posters as a starting point for a debate about the image of Bucharest with people on the streets. Wonder how it will go. We need to hurry a bit because I will be out of the country in a few days, this Sunday eve I will leave for a weeks training course about improvisation theatre in Serbia. Yay! Together with the Forum Theatre experience, Art-Fusion projects -and another training I’m attending in Latvia coming August- I want to write a project that I can implement after leaving Romania the end of September. It’s still in progress but will involve young creative people that have fewer opportunities. My EVS finishes at the end of September…not quite sure where to go, but know quite well what to do. Is that not the most important?

Only the funding I should figure out pretty soon, which county will give me some money??

Am confident it will work out, as long as I stay focused. It doesn’t just happen. Do worry sometimes -too much- about what to do, but then someone summarises my way of living and it all becomes clear again. I do exactly what I want to do.

I'll tell you about my Gypsy fascination another time. I have been wearing some traditional clothes and had some unexpected reactions and weird confrontations.

Stuffz and Love.

The perfect imperfect city

It’s been a very long time, some will say too long, but tonight I decided it was time to update my blog. I think I was suffering from the ‘I waited too long and now it becomes too hard to update my blog…. fuck what to do???’ syndrome. I decided to ignore my symptoms and opened a new file. Deep breath…there we go:

Thirty now… it happened in April. But luckily nothing changed. I'm still breathing, and feel more alive than ever. It's amazing how in the past couple of years I really learned to live. I'm not saying that I wasn’t living before, but it feels I’m more and more giving into more my own way of living. Bucharest is my perfect mentor.


I will never completely understand how this city works and why things the way they are, but it’s no longer an issue. I stopped asking questions and just adapt the way she wants me –Bucharest is a lady for the ones that didn’t know yet. A busy lady.

Don’t take the bus, just walk. Forget to try to understand rush hour because it basically lasts the whole day....and for your own sanity; take a book and buy a fan. Don’t get worked up about it, it will only make the heat even more unbearable. Traffic doesn’t magically disappear; the roads are simple not made for that many cars.

But Bucharest had also a very soft and chilled side to it. Life has an easy going speed and whilst walking around town you discover many secret little hideaways that make you forget that you are in a big city. The architecture has a lot to do with this. Long lines of apartment blocks, old demolished buildings, churches randomly put in between -the fact is that almost every building is in a permanent state of being under construction. Like it.
When look in between you'll discover her beauty, promise. But you can also experience quietness in places you wouldn't expect to find it; you literately can be alone on squares where in the past hundreds of people kick-started the revolution. There is space to feel.

A nice thing is that there are no tourists, maybe there are but I don't see them. Have no clue if there is actually a tourist information point and if there is such a ting as a souvenir shop so I hope they leave me alone.

I like that Romanians don’t cover up things that are generally seen as ugly: Ruined buildings and blocks that all look they same besides the advertisement they wear. Like I sad before, I learned to stop question things: They’re building a new apartment block next to a deserted one, a women is shouting on the street that she collects old iron but I never see her carry anything and the sweetshop gets guarded by this man in a bulletproof vest. The simple answer, yes.

Nothing is detached but, when you look at it the first time, you will say I’m crazy. Nothing has to be erased. My life doest have to make sense for others, as long as I can see the bigger picture and I know where I am going.

I grown to just to accept it; this way the city becomes more relaxed. It's actually these imperfection that makes me happy. Therefore growing to accept my own imperfections.

Bucharest is often seen as this very busy city, but not by me. The traffic is the only hectic situation I can think of because, next to the fact it’s not safe to cross the street when it’s green and the entire pavement is used as one big parking lot that quite often makes you have to zig-zag your way through, Bucharest moves in slow motion. It is until know the most relaxed city I have lived in.

Please don’t question why. Why you wake up one day and don’t have any hot water and why is this woman is shouting on the street that she collects old iron but I never see her carry anything? there are now set answers. It’s in my nature to ask these things, but not any more. The great thing is because of this the city and living here becomes relaxed.

Of course there is also injustice in this city, things that should change but will probably take a long time. I don’t like the way wages are unequally divided and beggars and cleaners earn more that the average graduate working for a small NGO. I hate the fact that renting a flat usually cost more than a monthly pay check and a lot of students struggle getting a job after University. But this also has another side to it, a side that makes families and friendships stronger because you really depend on each other. It makes live more difficult but always just having everything you need without having to fight and struggle for it is also not a ticket to happiness.

I rather queue and wait and enjoy what I have been waiting for than being served everything and not having the time to think if I actually really want it.